In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
