I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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