I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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