Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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