Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
