i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
