1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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