no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
