Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
