I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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