I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
