i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
