i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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