smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
