Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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