Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
