Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I will pee on everything he values.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
