Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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