I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
