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areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
