I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
