I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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