i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
