youre lurking in front of me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
