Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
