He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
