sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish you could order shots online.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
