Christians are straight up FREAKS
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
