you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
