Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
