Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i drank out of a bidet.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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