I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
