Someone shit on the floor
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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