somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
