why im i the only drunk person in the library?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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