Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
