She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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