i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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