8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize