i don't like sucking hair
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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