I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
