Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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