she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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