I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
