He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
