I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
