Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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