Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
