You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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