I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
