my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
