she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
