Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
you never un-have a 4some
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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