Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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