Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
