fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
