Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
