I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
